How To Choose a Wedding Reading

We fielded an apt question from a commenter yesterday about choosing the right reading for a wedding. It is very heartening to see engaged people take the selection of wedding Scripture seriously. This is a topic that I find difficult to handle in a general way. So much depends on the personality and faith of the couple.

I want to commend and recommend my friend and fellow blogger, Father Austin Fleming, for his fine contribution to ministry to engaged couples. My wife and I were given Prayerbook for Engaged Couples and it suited us very well.

Fr Austin covers some, but not all of the readings, prayers, and elements of the Rite of Marriage. But for each one, he presents the text, then a few sentences of reflection. Following that are usually two or three faith-related questions for the couple to share. Each reflection is concluded with a prayer shared by the couple.

The commenter mentioned she and her fiancé were considering John 2:1-11, the first miracle of Jesus at the wedding at Cana, as the gospel reading at her wedding. Fr Austin’s reflection and questions on that reading are:

Can you imagine how happy Jesus was for this couple? Just so, the Lord loves us. There may not be any dazzling miracles at your wedding reception, but he is ready to be with us in our times of need, now and always.

• The Lord took what the couple already had, just water, and turned it into the finest wine. What needs to be transformed in our lives? In our relationships?
• When do we ask the Lord for help?

I think this is just about right. Read the reading together. Discuss two/three questions. Pray the prayer at the end, plus the Our Father. If the discussion and sharing goes well for a couple, then maybe that will be a meaningful Bible reading for the wedding day. If not, then move on to another possibility.

Even for couples who have already determined their readings and prayers, this is a genius method for preparing for the wedding liturgy. Praying the elements of the wedding, especially a few weeks before the date, could permit the Holy Spirit to seep into the final days of preparation.

A few other thoughts on wedding readings … I tell couples that wedding readings are about one of three things: God, people, or qualities. Any or all of them are quite appropriate. It largely depends on the inspiration of the couple. If there’s strong reflection on the qualities of love or union or loyalty, then by all means pick Genesis 2 or 1 Corinthians 13. If on the couple, then Psalm 128 or Genesis 24. And if on the Lord, then something from 1 John. Couples can read these readings ahead of time, and sift through what “sounds” right. It’s less an intellectual thing (ideally) than trying to gain some sense of God and getting to know one’s life partner and what her or his sense of God might be.

Enough for now. How have any of our readers chosen Bible readings?

And by the way: Fr Austin’s book? Big thumbs up. I keep a few copies on my shelf for couples who seem to need it.

 

Love Litany

Liturgy News, the quarterly organ of the Brisbane (Australia) Liturgical Commission, had a brief look at this clunker from the new Roman Missal.

(I)t remains doubtful whether a revised translation (of the Rite of Marriage) along the lines of the new Missal will be helpful. Look what has happened to thse favourite lines from one of the Prefaces for marriage:

Love is our origin,
love is our constant calling,
love is our fulfillment in heaven.

The new translation in the Missal reads:

For those you created out of charity
you call to the law of charity without ceasing
and grant them a share in your eternal charity.

I’m sure the Latin original is caritas, but there’s no doubt the MR1 is superior in this instance. A threefold repetition of a three-syllable word is just too much. It begins to border on caricature. That’s especially true given the frequent attendance of the unchurched at weddings. Charity has shifted significantly in meaning, and in the Western culture, is not always associated with something positive.

Losing this miniature litany is lamentable. Another casualty of the CultureWars(TM). Another turn off/tune out moment for the Roman Rite, just when we needed a stronger dash of evangelization.

 

Memorizing Wedding Vows

For the first time since I can remember, the couple at yesterday’s wedding recited their vows from memory. The priest held the book at the ready, but their eyes were on each other.

I’ve noticed a huge variety in clergy witnessing weddings at my parish the past four years. We’ve had six priests on staff in the past four years. And for the occasional wedding, we get an occasional other priest. They all conduct vows with great variety. Some stand between couple and altar, some between couple and people. Some insist on mic’ing themselves stating the vows; others the couple.

Most couples these days prefer to repeat after the priest or deacon. I don’t remember the last time I  noticed a couple getting questioned about their vows and responding “I do.”

Shortly after our engagement, I pressed my wife-to-be to memorize. She acceded, but on the condition that we practice daily from decision time till the wedding day. And so we did. But at the moment of the vows, the pastor held up one finger. I thought, “Oh, Father Russ, one finger. We’re number one.” The finger went to the book, and looking at my beloved, I knew it was time to begin, “I, Todd, take you, Anita, to be my wife …”

In the frequent renewal of vows we celebrate* the memorization has come in handy. No more nervousness. With nearly seventeen years, the vows have become familiar. They are now reinforced by years of joys and sorrows.

Whether or not a couple vows from memory on the wedding day, memorizing vows is still a good idea. Anybody else in the commentariat?

 

 

The Goodness of the Lord

I composed this psalm for friends over twenty-seven years ago. I noticed the comment from a visitor asking about a musical setting of Psalm 33 for a wedding. I have an audio of my psalm setting here:

The Goodness of the Lord

Using this for a parishioner’s wedding last year gave me an opportunity to update with the Revised Grail text and adjust a musical awkward spot or two. I found the Grail text to be very conducive to a metrical music setting. At least this one. Eloise, or any others, if you want a copy of this setting, please contact me.

Note: Gratis permission is granted to Todd Flowerday to post to the Internet individual audio files of musical settings of the Revised Grail Psalms. These digital files may be distributed to, and downloaded by, the general public for use within their religious communities, provided no remuneration is exchanged for this use. Any composer wishing to sell his/her settings of the Revised Grail Psalms, whether at cost or for a profit, should contact GIA for permission. All other policies regarding copyright notice and other licensing stipulations must be observed; visit www.giamusic.com/RGP for more information.

 

More On Sunday Mass Weddings

I like Scott Alessi’s piece on marrying at Sunday Mass. It’s a decision my wife and I have never come close to regretting. Here we are processing in together during the entrance song:

Isn’t that a great dress? My sweetie made it. Who’s the stiff in the suit? Not too nervous there, are we, bucko. The scan of the Mass just after we were called up for vows:

It can work. And once I get my sweetie’s permission to crack into the wedding picture album maybe I can scan more stuff.

 

Wedding Lectionary: John 13:1-5, 12-15

One of my staff colleagues married one of our parishioners this past weekend. They chose a Gospel passage I had never before experienced at a wedding:

Before the feast of Passover, Jesus knew that his hour had come
to pass from this world to the Father.
He loved his own in the world and he loved them to the end.
The devil had already induced Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot, to hand him over.
So, during supper,
fully aware that the Father had put everything into his power
and that he had come from God and was returning to God,
he rose from supper and took off his outer garments.
He took a towel and tied it around his waist.
Then he poured water into a basin
and began to wash the disciples’ feet
and dry them with the towel around his waist.

So when he had washed their feet
and put his garments back on and reclined at table again,
he said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you?
You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am.
If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet,
you ought to wash one another’s feet.
I have given you a model to follow,
so that as I have done for you, you should also do.”

My friends used the full Holy Thursday gospel, if I recall. I’m not sure if I would include Peter’s protest or not. On one hand it seems to distract from the main theme as carried over into Christian marriage: following the example of Jesus in serving one’s spouse. On the other, we shouldn’t be afraid of misunderstanding and blundering about, especially on very critical matters like service and humility.

Is there a concern with borrowing a text from one of Christendom’s highest holy days? I wondered about that at first. We often use another passage from the Paschal Triduum for Christian marriage, so no, I don’t think using this Gospel is really too problematic.

Not every couple has a sense of service to one another, the practice of going humbly and washing the beloved’s feet, even if Jesus did give the example. Few enough couples express the expanded sense of service my friends do–they went on a retreat about six weeks ago to discern how they would serve in the Church as a married couple. In that context, John 13 makes a lot of sense as a reading for a marriage liturgy.

What was interesting is that the couple also washed one another’s feet after the exchange of vows and rings. I’ve heard that being done once or twice, but I’ve never witnessed it. It sure made a lot more sense to me than unity sand/candle. Scriptural. Traditional. Meaningful. Something to think about.

Should you, humble reader, go off the script and suggest that your priest or deacon preach this as a wedding Gospel? I can’t answer that. I would say that I hope it wouldn’t be the start of a fad. Imitating Christ is extremely serious business. I think good marriages do imitate the Lord. Many of them give outstanding example in that regard. But the humility of the basin and towel leads to the way of the cross. Are you prepared for that way?

 

Wedding Lectionary: Matthew 14:22-33

During his homily at yesterday’s wedding, the pastor remarked that in his twenty-three years as a priest, it was the first time this reading appeared as a choice of a bride and groom:

After he had fed the people, Jesus made the disciples get into a boat
and precede him to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.
After doing so, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray.
When it was evening he was there alone.

Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore,
was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night,
he came toward them walking on the sea.
When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified.
“It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear.
At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”
Peter said to him in reply,
“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”
He said, “Come.”

 

Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.
But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened;
and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught Peter,
and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

 

After they got into the boat, the wind died down.
Those who were in the boat did him homage, saying,
“Truly, you are the Son of God.”

What a sparkling choice! It was well-preached with this simple and direct message: As long as the two of you keep your gaze fixed on Jesus, troubles and storms will not be able to sink you. You will be able to walk on water.

And indeed, doesn’t Peter get a bad rap for this story? He was, after all, strong enough in faith to be able to walk on water. It was only when his focus wavered to the storm that he faltered.

I was talking with a parishioner about this last night and she remarked that walking on water wasn’t one of the choices for a wedding. And she’s right–it’s not. But for a couple who truly believe the teaching contained here, and if they are indeed willing to place their focus on Christ and their faith in Christ, this passage is indeed an inspired choice. And perhaps the Catholic wedding lectionary needs some reform along these lines. Fewer passages that speak of love in such a way that easily descends to platitudes and idealism. More passages that prefigure the inevitable storms and obstacles that any married couple will confront. And imparting courage and conviction to such people, giving them the tools to triumph over the winds and waves of life.

For you engaged couples out there: do you dare turn to this Gospel? Are you prepared to turn your gaze away from your beloved’s eyes and together, hand in hand, look to Christ, and step out into the storm? If so, you are certain to find a thrilling, grace-filled adventure as wife and husband. And you will be a sign for many, many others who need such witness of married love grounded in grace and faith.

 

Washing Wedding Feet

One of my friend-bloggers has upcoming nuptials, and writes of rings. What are y’all hearing about unity sand? I have to confess it seems a little curious. When I first heard about it, I visualized the couple creating a mandala.

Apparently that’s not it.

I rather prefer the naturally-colored sand above from Hawaii. When I was single, I admired the contrast of Theresa Russell’s aqua-colored swim suit on this beach.

But even sand needs to be washed off.

A few weeks ago, I met an alumni couple at the parish. They mentioned at their wedding liturgy they washed each other’s feet. I haven’t given that a whole lot of thought yet. But I wonder what the commentariat here sees in such a gesture.

 

“The Important Part”

A friend attended the out-of-town wedding of two of our graduates yesterday. In the receiving line at church, mentioned she needed to get to another celebration back at our parish. The couple responded that she came for the important part.

I like that: young Catholics with their priorities in order.

Another friend reported no instrumental bridal march–the assembly sang a setting of the Magnificat during the opening procession.

Two thumbs up.

 

Hat Tip: Will and Kate

Imagine my surprise when the WordPress site stat page informed me that yesterday was the most popular day yet for Catholic Sensibility. Even beating my shoutout from Andrew Sullivan and my criticism of Miley Cyrus baring her back for Annie Leibowitz.

James, the youngest sibling of the Duchess of Cambridge, proclaimed the Scripture at the royal wedding yesterday. My wife was watching it on the telly and I even stopped what I was doing for a minute to pay attention. Funny how “Romans 12:1-2, 9-18,” when Googled, gives you this post at the top of its list.

Take that Hannah Montana. Thanks, Mr Middleton. Great rendering of the passage, by the way.

 

A Glance at Marriage Preparation, A Genius of an Idea

I was in a meeting with our two priests and Brenda, our marriage coordinator, today and I heard a few things that perked my pastoral ears. If your parishes and dioceses are like mine, they offer engaged couples a number of options to prepare them for marriage. A quick rundown:

- Pre-Cana Conferences. The Diocese of Peoria describes it as “a day-long marriage preparation conference designed to assist engaged couples in preparing for their life-long vocation of marriage. (It) consists of a series of presentations providing basic instruction on the nature of Christian marriage: its essential elements, God’s plan for marriage and family life, the importance of communication, time for couple discussion and a question-and-answer session to assist you to make the beauty of our marriage doctrine a living reality.”

- Sponsor or Mentor Couples. The Diocese of St Cloud has a good summary here. It somewhat models the catechumenate in that an experienced couple in a parish takes an engaged couple under their wing for four to six meetings. There is a program to cover certain aspects such as praying together, life in the parish as a married couple, and sometimes the sponsor couple will address relationship issues that have surfaced during a psychological inventory. Things like attitudes toward money, children, sex, etc..

- Engaged Encounter (EE) is a spinoff of Marriage Encounter. My wife and I experienced both and this was very helpful in strenthening our relationship. It involves a weekend away at a hotel or retreat center.

Other offerings through the parish, deanery, or diocese might include workshops on Natural Family Planning, or on the wedding liturgy.

My sensible wife, when we were engaged, told the parish priest we were going to exercise all our options, because, as she put it, “We needed all the help we could get.” As two singles in our late thirties, it might be that we were somewhat more mature than some engaged couples. But we were not without issues. Nor were we without the humility that other people had a lot they could teach us about being married.

Pre-Cana we found less than helpful. We met a wonderful couple who “sponsored” us and graciously opened their home to us for a handful of meetings. Bob even drove his all-terrain vehicle to rescue us on our post-blizzard wedding day to get us to the church on time. We had a very rich experience on EE. When couples ask for my input, I urge them to go to Engaged Encounter.

My pastor remarked today that some couples blanch at the commitment of Engaged Encounter. It’s a whole weekend. If it’s at a hotel, it can be a significant chunk of money. Fr Jon, like my wife and me, recommends EE. But he also gives his couples a genius of an idea. If the budget is tight, contact godparents. Ask them to sponsor the Engaged Encounter weekend as a wedding gift instead of a toaster or a plasma tv. What serious godparent, he asked, wouldn’t want to strengthen and deepen the faith of a young couple?

I just had to pass that idea out in the blogosphere. In fact, if and when my goddaughter is preparing for marriage, I plan to make the pre-emptive offer. As engagements start racking up in the years ahead, maybe you other godparents can ponder it, too.

 

Wedding Psalm 118?

Every church musician should know the seven wedding psalms: 33, 34,103, 112, 128, 145, and 148. I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks. The cantor pitched Psalm 118, which she had at her recent wedding. Here’s the NAB text for the Easter psalm with verses 1-2, 16-17, 22-23:

Give thanks to the Lord, who is good, whose love endures forever.
Let the house of Israel say: God’s love endures forever.

The Lord’s right hand is raised; the Lord’s right hand strikes with power.
I shall not die but live and declare the deeds of the Lord.

The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.
By the Lord has this been done; it is wonderful in our eyes.

Psalm 118 appears sparingly in the Lectionary. It’s assigned to the Easter Vigil after Romans 6. You see it on the first two Sundays of Easter, and also Fourth Sunday cycle B (if you remember from earlier this year). Friday and Saturday of the Easter octave get the 118th, too. Does the Church ration out Psalm 118 for Easter only? With the Rite for the Dedication of an Altar, these verses are an option: 15-16, 19-20, 22-23, 27. That’s all I can remember tonight.

My friend has a good point, I think. I wouldn’t use the Easter verses were I to suggest Psalm 118 to the Lectionary committee. I think 1+4, 24-25, 26-27, 28-29 would be a good set:

Give thanks to the Lord, who is good, whose love endures forever.
Let those who fear the Lord say, God’s love endures forever.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad.
Lord, grant salvation! Lord, grant good fortune!

Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. We bless you from the Lord’s house.
The Lord is God and has given us light. Join in procession with leafy branches up to the horns of the altar.

You are my God, I give you thanks; my God, I offer you praise.
Give thanks to the Lord, who is good, whose love endures forever.

I love those “leafy branches” of verse 27, don’t you? Doesn’t every bride?

Ever use Psalm 118 for a wedding, and if so, what’s your setting of choice?

 

A Wedding Music Compass 2.1: Meeting Wedding Musicians

For those coming late to this series, I refer you to my previous two posts in the series, here, on finding good wedding musicians, and here, on what you can expect from good wedding musicians.

When I meet with an engaged couple, I’m prepared to spend as much time as needed to get the musical choices done right. An engaged couple might be very picky about music–that’s fine. I’ve spent as much as time as four hours over two meetings and a few phone calls to get music planned to everyone’s satisfaction. Of course, a musician might (and probably should) charge for extra consultation time. It’s worth it. My personal sense is that up to two hours is reasonable, though my personal median is thirty minutes to an hour.

On the other hand, some couples have just told me to choose what music I think is most appropriate. That works for me, too.

I can’t tell you every church musician will be as accommodating as I. I can just tell you what to expect if you meet with me. I write down the basic information about your wedding: date, time, and place. I ask about the number in the wedding party, and how the parents are getting seated. I need to know if the wedding is at a Mass or if it will be celebrated with just the Liturgy of the Word.

My policy is to talk about the music for the Mass first. I will expect that the psalm, alleluia, and Eucharistic acclamations will be sung by people present inclined to join in them as they would at a Sunday Mass. In fact, I will tell you the model for the best wedding liturgy is a lively and vibrant Sunday liturgy. The best weddings build from that foundation.

I will discuss vocal selections for after the entrance of the couple–many priests and liturgists urge a congregational hymn there. I don’t disagree with the emphasis. It should be something most people in the pew might sing: a familiar church tune. I don’t find Communion time is a spot I’m prepared to go to bat for the congregation unless I know the wedding guests will largely like to sing.

I tend to avoid suggesting “fill music” for unity candle or the sign of peace. (Though the wedding I’m playing for today has both options–but no Mass.)

Any songs that miss the “cut” for Mass might get moved to the prelude time.

Sometimes I’ll play samples of processional music, and the top two choices get slotted for the entrance of the wedding party and its departure. Sometimes a third piece of music is suggested for the wedding party–separate from the music for the bride. My current pastor denies this request. But I don’t see a real problem with it. I do prefer the option of singing a congregational song after the opening procession–when the people can be expected to sing.

I suggest secular songs be moved to the reception, and I give a nuanced explanation that the rites at church, including the prelude music, form a spiritual and religious whole. Guests at a church wedding likely expect the sacred element to be enhanced. We would all be surprised with an altar call at a wedding reception. Likewise, the wedding ceremony, even without the celebration of the Eucharist, is intended to be a time of prayer and worship.  The music should point to that reality.

I’m willing to listen to a justification for a particular piece of music I don’t think is appropriate. If the couple can’t convince me, the pastor will usually settle the matter. I do urge them to go to the priest prepared to give a theological/religious argument. If the song has romantic significance, make it the first dance at the wedding reception. If a spiritual case can be made, many pastors and music directors I know are willing to hear your argument.

 

A Wedding Music Compass 2.0: Expectations of Wedding Musicians

As promised in the last post, I’ll give you some tips on wedding musicians today: what you can expect, how you should conduct yourself, what to ask. Stuff like that.

As always, this advice is lensed through my experiences as a church musician generally happy with playing weddings. My stake is playing weddings as a religious musician more concerned about the ritual of a wedding and the spiritual message communicated, and much less as a performer aiming for a splashy sound. That’s not to say I don’t care about how I play, or that I don’t strive for personal excellence in music. It’s number two to God, that’s all.

As an engaged couple, you may find your church requires you to use their music director. This is not a totally bad thing. The music director, after all, has the keys, knows the instruments, and can give you good advice on singers, instrumentalists, and repertoire. You might be expected to pay a “bench fee” if you use somebody else, guaranteeing the church person the business she or he was promised in her or his contract.

Assuming you have some options for wedding musicians (and I include singers, accompanists, and other instruments), here’s what’s appropriate and what’s not:

You can shop around. It is considered good manners (and financially prudent) to ask up front what a musician charges. You will be entering into an oral agreement when you get to the point of “We would like to have you play at our wedding.” It is considered bad form to book the first available musician, then keep hunting for a better price, cutting loose the first musician to save a few bucks.

You can and should ask the musician what style of music they prefer. You can meet with a person face-to-face–interview them, in effect, before making a final decision.

Almost all wedding musicians are free agents. They may or may not be associated with the church. Rarely are they paid by the church to do a wedding. You will be their employer, so while you should take the lead and live up to your responsibilities, as good consultants/employees/contractors, they will give you good advice. It will be to your advantage to consider their input.

The organist or pianist is usually the “director” of your wedding music. You can expect to have a meeting with this person to select music. How will that go? Maybe you know nothing about music and come to the meeting with no suggestions. I ask couples these questions: Do you see this wedding as an expression of your faith life and your style? If so, what qualities are most important? Dignity, informality, high-class, reflective, fun, jazzy, serious, traditional, off-the-beaten-path, big and bold and brassy, or intimate and thoughtful. An experienced musician will know pieces of music that fit these qualities. 

You can also bring no input at all to the consultation. The musician will simply bring out a big book of wedding music (it might be in his or her head) and start playing the most popular music and work on from there.

You don’t need to know anything about church music to give a piece a thumbs up or down. You may not need to hear it all the way through. Just say, “No thanks, we’d like to hear something else, please.” It helps if you can add a comment like “something faster” or “something more reflective” or something along those lines. Most musicians are patient enough to keep the music flowing.

You might want to know a musician can get great versatility on a pipe organ, so you might like the song, but not the sound. You could impress the organist and ask for a registration that will make it sound totally different.

How long should this consultation last? What should be decided by the end of it? Wait for the next post. This is enough for today.

 

A Wedding Music Compass 1.0: Finding Good Musicians

I had a delightful meeting with an engaged couple last night. Their wedding is still nearly a year in the future, but time flies and ducks must be lined up in their row. Plus, with a May wedding, you can’t book good musicians too early.

As I get older, I find I love consulting on weddings more and more. Maybe it’s my personal maturity peeking above the din, or maybe couples come with more reasonable expectations than they did in the 80′s. Whatever the reason, I find I would prefer to play a wedding these days as much as a funeral.

I’d like to offer a series of posts on how to choose music for a wedding. For people visiting for the first time, I’ll make a confession up-front. I will approach the topic as a church musician who works with couples who have opted for a church wedding. My background is as a Roman Catholic, but much of what I will write will apply to other religious traditions. I’m not a conservatory-trained musician. My academic background is in theology. I think the spirituality of a wedding liturgy or ceremony is paramount. If you want a fancy show and are putting your effort into the reception and honeymoon, then God bless you for that. Take what you like and leave the rest, as they say in 12-step groups.

Some couples enter the wedding music process with a good idea of what they want. They might be musicians themselves. They might have admired selections at a family member’s wedding, or liked the musicians who played at a friend’s. They might have a cd of “Twenty Wedding Hits of the 1990′s” or they might even have surfed the net and found some really nice stuff to cram into their iPod. If you’re looking for good music, there’s never been a better time to find it.

Many couples have few ideas about wedding music. They are at a loss when their church organist starts playing samples. They might shrug their shoulders and say, “Sounds good.” And it likely will on the wedding day. This is not a bad way to go. If you are sure you’ve booked an excellent church musician (ask your pastor or church music director for a few good references) and put the whole thing in her or his hands, and you just want it to sound good, you probably won’t be disappointed with the result.

To kick off this series, let’s look at hiring church musicians and what you would likely find where you live.

1. If you are a churchgoer, listen to the organists, pianists, and singers at your church. If you hear somebody you consistently like, there’s a good bet that this person would do well for your wedding. It is very appropriate to hang out until the last postlude is played, ascend the choir loft or head over to the piano and ask, “My bff and I are engaged. May we talk to you about playing at our wedding?’ You set up an appointment, and things flow from there. (I’ll address how to “dialogue” with a musician in a later post.)

2. If you aren’t a churchgoer, but are getting married in the church, three things:

a. There’s never been a better time to start going to church.

b. Most church musicians have more experience than almost all non-church musicians in playing weddings. You might go to a Sunday service at the church at which you plan to get married. Check out the “home field” musicians first, especially if they sound good to you. The advantage of booking the home team is that they have the keys, they know the instruments and the quirks, they can set everything up and put it away, and they work with the rest of the church staff there.

c. There is the option of church-hopping. I don’t recommend it as a spiritual practice once you find a good faith community. But it is possible to inquire about the churches in your area with the best music programs, attend their services, and check out the musicians and singers from the pew. Time consuming? Yes, but look on the bright side: you might find a really good church to join.

3. If you aren’t a churchgoer, have no intention of being a churchgoer, and aren’t getting married in a church. Well … you still can’t go wrong hiring a church musician. And there’s always the yellow pages, or recommendations from friends. I have little advice for you that doesn’t apply to church weddings. Good luck.

Some churches employ what is called a bench fee. This means that the church’s music director is paid less than a full salary. In return, the pastor “guarantees” an income for the musician from weddings, funerals, and other special events. If you don’t book the music director to play your wedding, you may have to pay a fee to her or him anyway. This is a long-standing custom in many Protestant churches. It’s not unknown among Catholics, especially back east. It’s not total crack. Most music directors who command this stipulation in their contract are excellent musicians.

Maybe you have musical friends. Great. Lots of people consider me their friend and I’ve played at their weddings, and I think I do pretty well for them. I’ve also been a church musician for thirty years, I sing, I play a bunch of different instruments, and I can learn music from a tape or cd.

Maybe you think that if Uncle Joe and your bff’s little sister would make a great combo for your wedding. Maybe Aunt Judy can sew all the bridal dresses and do everybody’s hair, too. The mothers can put together some appetizer plates for the reception, and the father of the bride can take pictures on his cell phone and your grandparents’ backyard will make a great place for the reception. If this is your style, great. You will probably have the most wonderful wedding that family love and affection can piece together.

Consider the overall effort on the wedding. There’s nothing wrong with everybody pitching in to have a friendly, informal celebration. But … if you are going professional on flowers, hairdressers, clothing, reception & parties, DJ or band, honeymoon, transportation, photography & videography, you might want to think about the overall balance. Nervous but earnest Uncle Joe strumming on dvd, but at least everybody gorged on the pate de foie gras afterward.

You may be on a budget, but laying out good money for good wedding musicians will not be a disappointment. In the next post, I’ll tackle how you can talk to a wedding musician, what you can expect to pay, what service you can reasonably expect to receive for your investment, and such. But for now, I’ll leave my comment box for other friends to chime in with suggestions on how to find good wedding musicians.