With some helpful input from Liam, I’ve adjusted the awkward spots in the first stanza and felt emboldened to progress to the second:
I mentioned Wednesday that I wasn’t happy with the prospect of setting the five acclamations in stanza 2 to quarter notes, but I was concerned with the energy lagging if I adapted them to the melody as I did above. I’m also not convinced I have the best solution for the text in measures 13 through 16. I thought the direct address to God should be on the downbeats in those measures. I had to extend the melody to fit “almighty Father.” Not sure about the new melodic fragment there. I thought of using the b-a-f# figure again, but that seemed repetitive.
I like working on this without benefit of piano or guitar. One of my favorite liturgical musicians thinks as I do: great sacred music should be able to stand unaccompanied.
Catholic Sensibility 
It looks very beautiful to me. I think your phrasing works pretty well. My only practical concern is the use of the high “e”‘s which might be out of range for a lot of the congregation. Even so, they may just naturally harmonize. Good job thus far!
Thanks, Jonathan. I agree on the high e’s. Shape note tunes tend to sing about a third higher than Catholic congregations today. It probably won’t stay in E minor, though it’s the most versatile key for the hammer dulcimer.
Pingback: MR3 Lab: More of the Sweet Prospect Gloria « Catholic Sensibility